Where The Heart Is

by nelgrey

I’ve been struggling with the concept of ‘home’ for the past couple of months and I’m yet to arrive at some understanding of what home is for me right now.

As a young man studying in a foreign country, I don’t have the comfort of going ‘home’ for the weekend or the holidays. But then I ask myself, is home merely a physical space where one’s family resides? It’s a bothersome concept because the notion of a ‘family’ is also something I struggling to define as well (but I suppose that’s for another blog post).

In any case, the physical space in which I grew up, that place where my family resides, is not exactly a place I consider home either. Home, in an ideal world, is a place where you want to be, one where you feel free, grounded, safe and loved. I’m not sure if those qualities apply to what would be considered my home. So it’s at this point I think to myself, if it is that the place from where I came is not home, then did I ever really have a home? Is the place where I am now to be considered home? I’m not really sure, because at this time in my life everything feels really transitory and temporary and I feel like I don’t really have anything to hold on to. I don’t want to go back, but my time here will expire in a couple of years and it’s like, well where do I go?

I’m trying to change the way I choose to look at the idea of ‘home’. I’m told that it’s not necessarily the physical space, but the physical exists even if a family isn’t occupying it. So then we get into a discussion about family, and home being that immaterial environment where one feels loved and all that. But again, those that I consider ‘family’ aren’t many, and most aren’t nearby. It’s also hard to establish a ‘family’ where I am now because I feel like everyone already has a family and maybe there’s no space for another person and there is an ever-present concern (fear, really) that relationships are temporary, and once graduation comes around then….bye, bye to that sense of security.

Hhm, never mind